It has been awhile since I have heard a Leemerism. Between work, school, and the state of Texas John has put all things Leemer on the back burner. Sad, I know. But alas, today I was given a glimpse of his return. While blowing up balloons John proclaimed the following…
I haven’t touched this much latex since high school.
AND
Why do the black ones look bigger? I guess what they say IS true.
Genius. Maybe he will blog tomorrow. I have missed him too.
This is it! This is the day that I decide every year what I am going to change and perfect in my life. I have a head start on the norm. I actually started dieting the day after Thanksgiving and even though I have been off the diet for a week I have not gained anything back. I am down 2 sizes with only 6 more to go. I quit smoking in June and I have given up on the whole “I promise God I will stop masturbating” thing. It is impossible, I can’t do it and I know this about me. Of course I should excersise more, since going on my diet lifting a spoon to my mouth no longer counts as a bench press. I have cleaned, scrubbed, organized the townhouse for the big day. I am a freak in that everything has to be perfect for the new year. Even the cars, I cleaned those yesterday as well. Resolutions….hmmmm.
1. I will try to be more tolerant of John’s smoking. He has cut back substantially and I understand it will take him longer to quit if at all. I don’t want to become “One of those people” who hacks and gags at the smell of smoke. But it really does make me hack and gag, damnit.
2. I will stick to my new way of eating (it is really not a diet persay) and not go back to my old ways. I would like to be a 6 again by June.
3. I will stay organized.
4. WE will save everything we can so we can buy a house at the end of our lease.
5. I will not get a Myspace page even though work encourages it as a way to stay better connected to our students. I will not. I will not. I will not.
6. WE will pay every bill ontime and pay back those who have helped us through the last year. This is something else we have got a head start on but still have a ways to go before we are comfortable again. Being a one income family is too hard and I don’t know how people do it. The 3 months I was out of work was awful and we were not prepared for it like we thought we were.
7. I feel myself changing, growing, maturing. John has in no doubt been a HUGE part of this. I have always enjoyed flying by the seat of my pants, dropping whatever at a whim, jumping out of the frying pan into the fire… but he brings a sense of calm and stability to me and my life to where I don’t want to be flightly. I don’t have the urge to be insane. I want to keep some of my crazy though, so that is resolution #7, I will still be semi- crazy. I will always be a mental deep inside.
8. I will go to the doctor when my insurance kicks in and take care of everything I have let go.
9. I will be more tolerant of stupid people. This is a big one. I will have compasion for those who do not know how to dress or decorate. I will not yell at you and call you names if you cut me off in traffic, stand in front of me with 25 items when you are only supposed to have 10, dress your kid in a sundress when it is 35 degrees outside, let your dog run loose in the parking lot, pick your nose at a red light, trim trees in the rain with an electric chainsaw. Nope, I will be kind to you people. God love your stupid little minds.
10. I will never forget how lucky I am to be married to the most wonderful man in the world. I married up folks and I will never ever be good enough, but I can try. Every day, I will try.
How is it that it has almost been a month since I have posted to this blog? I don’t know where the time goes honestly, and I know I should be better about updating as this is the only way most of our family can keep up with us now that we have moved. I just haven’t been in the mood to write. I would rather not write at all than slather shit around just for the sake of doing so. Just sayin.
I got the job by the way…the one I wrote about here. I started December 10th and I am loving it. John is looking to hire a marketing professional for the company because I think I might have found my true calling working for the Art Institute. Go figure, I thought sales was my calling. Nope. Helping kids find themselves, that is my calling. It has been a long time since I woke up so excited to go to work that I skiped breakfast so I could get there early, or hated the weekends because it meant time away from the job. Don’t vomit, I am sure this is the honeymoon phase and will pass. I hope not though.
On another note, on the tele right now is the strangest fucking show I have ever seen. Flavor Flav and Brigette Nelson in a reality show called “Strange Love.”
Sigh.
Flavor Flav looks like E.T. and could someone tell me if those Kinoki foot pads really work?
It is not often that I lose my mind in public and curse government workers. Circumstances have to be extenuating, critical, dire. Today was one of those days. In the course of the move and due to my lack of organizational skills, I lost Coleton’s social security card. A card he must have before he gets his license, or so I was told. So, I woke up this morning and stirred the boy out of bed. We loaded in the hoopty to go to the East side of Austin. Upon arrival at the SSA, I looked for the little doo-hickey that spits out your number and assigns your place in line until you are called from behind the wall to visit the great and powerful OZ.
There was no such machine in sight. There was, however, a computer that you are to “sign into” and after doing so, dispenses your ticket. I signed in and retrieved my ticket. Coleton and I searched for 2 empty seats. We were lucky enough to find 2 together between Fred Sanford and June Cleaver. Good enough I thought. Our number was A182 and just called was A155. Yep, good times. Coleton and I had been people watching, trying to match strangers up with our own family members. There was an hispanic version of my Dad and a midget that looked like John’s sister. Typically good stuff that would keep us entertained for hours, but God himself looked down on me at that very moment and felt sorry for my lack of good blog material of late so he sent Nemer into the scene. I know this was his name because his wife yelled it several times while he was being pummeled by the security officer.
This is the story of Nemer, and Satan’s minions at the AUSTIN SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE. May you all burn in Hell.
Nemer walked through the door with a folder in hand. I had my eyes locked on him from the very first moment because he was wearing Dale Earnhardt pajamas and his hair was a mess. I elbowed Coleton and he responded with “Nice”. He was in his late 50’s, I would say, and from the looks of things, not all there. Coleton gave a chuckle and I commented on how it takes all kinds and that is when the commotion started. Nemer was frustrated at the computer, not able to read and not understanding what was required of him, he started talking loud. “Somebody help me. Somebody help me” over and over again. A little old lady got up to walk over to help him but the security guard got there first.
“Sir you need to sit down and be quiet.” Nemer tried to explain that he didn’t know what to do but the security guard was hostile and rude. He said to Nemer in a very patronizing voice ” What do you want me to do…hold your little hand?? SIT DOWN!” Nemer responded with a “I have never used a fucking computer and I cant read.” Well that was all the security guard needed I guess. He jumped on Nemer and forced him to the ground. With at least 75 people watching the security officer hit Nemer with his baton as Nemer tried to fight back, all the time yelling “I just need to bury my son, my son is dead, I just need help.” I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. The crowd became violent. People started throwing chairs at the security guard and yelling at him to stop. Nemer’s wife was hysterical and started yelling for someone to dial 911. A siren went off and all of the windows for the workers closed automatically. People were becoming frantic. Two other employees came out in tactical gear and ordered everyone off their cell phones. The crowd wouldn’t back down. The Austin PD soon arrived and took Nemer to the back. I don’t know what happened to him from that point. I do know that the police were taking statements from people who witnessed the event.
After an hour and a half of waiting our number was called. I gave the SS clerk Coleton’s original birth certificate and social security number. With a smile she told me they were no longer accepting birth certificates as proof of identity for a replacement card.
WHAT????
That is the only ”ID” the kid has.
She informed me a driver’s license or state ID is the proof of they will need.
BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD TO GET A DRIVERS LICENSE OR STATE ID!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh…………. but they will also take medical records as long as they are signed by the doctor and are originals, not a copy.
Yeah assholes, that will be easy to get.
I grabbed my purse and slammed the chair back. On my way out I yelled “Power to Nemer!” And the people applauded. Nazi bastards.
I know… I was supposed to post “part two” of my previous entry but I got a call today from the President of the Institute and things are looking promising so I do not want to jinx anything. Hang in there with me Ed. I will post part two when I know whether I did or did not get the position.
Tonight I had an interview with the AIA for a position as the Director of Admissions. The opportunity just kinda fell in my lap and after a hard sell on behalf of the gentleman recruiting me, I decided to interview for the position. I figure John can hire someone for my “position” with our company if I get the job with the AIA. After all…working for my husband may or may not be a great thing.
I started getting ready 2 hours before the interview and it’s a good thing. I ran the iron over my best suit, polished my shoes and spent 30 minutes searching for a bra that didnt look like it had been through a war zone. I should have known things were not going to go smoothly when I cut my face with John’s razor. Silly me for thinking I could give the upper lip a few swipes without complication. I will say this though…I have never cut a nipple trying to shave off the stray hairs that sometimes take root around my areola like my Aunt Debbie did. What in the hell is wrong with our genes? Dont they know we are female? Or are we?
I finished doing hair and make-up and went to put on my suit. A suit I have not worn in 10 months. A suit that fit perfectly then. A very expensive suit. a suit that now makes my ass look like it is 9 months pregnant. In a fit of rage I ripped off the suit and scrambled frantically through my closet. Navy pants…nope, too small. Black pants…missing a zipper. Plaid flannel pajama bottoms…UGGG. I had nothing. Then I spotted my brown pants at the back. Great! I put them on and they fit fine. Now the top……Brown blazer…nope, too small. Green top…too small. Pink top…to small. Mettalic brown top, sadly it fits. So, there I was looking in the mirror at the big effin chocolate bar that I am when it hits me. I do not have any brown dress shoes. I only have brown sandals. Off I go, to an interview for a job I really want. Looking like I should be on a conveyor belt awaiting my wrapper that reads “Now with more almonds!” while sporting the best in Jesus footware.
Part two tomorrow.
Ethan Hawke 1970
Rebecca Romain Stamos 1972
Sally Field 1946
Dead on this day
Charles X- King of France
Aunt B- The Andy Griffith Show
And a whole lotta Royalty. Too many to list.
On this day in history
Michael Howard takes over as leader of the Conservative party after Iain Duncan Smith is ousted in a no-confidence vote.
Construction begins to build the Kariba High Dam on the Zambezi River between Zambia and Zimbabwe.
A ceasefire is announced between Egyptian, French and British forces fighting for control of the Suez Canal.
In Britain, the Church of England relaxes its rule that women must wear hats in church.
In Britain, the RAF’s first monoplane fighter, the ‘Hawker Hurricane’ makes its maiden flight.
In Germany, the Nazi Party led by Adolf Hitler emerges as the largest single party in the general election.
World War I: the end of the Third Battle of Ypres when British and Canadian troops capture the infamous Passchendale Ridge.
In the United States of America, Republican President William McKinley is re-elected – defeating the Democrat challenger, William Jennings Bryan.
Diamonds are discovered at Kimberley in Cape Province, South Africa.
Republican candidate Abraham Lincoln is narrowly elected 16th US President.
Mexico declares its independence from Spain.
Henry VI is crowned King of England. Two years later in Paris he is crowned King of France.
British actor Nigel Havers.
American boxing promoter Don King.
Irish comedian Frank Carson.
Novelist James Jones Robinson III – author of ‘From Here To Eternity’.
Pioneer aviator Sir John Alcock is born in Manchester.
Adolphe Sax, instrument inventor who gave his name to the saxophone, is born in Dinant, Belgium.
Composer Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky, dies aged 53 after drinking unboiled water in St Petersburg during a cholera epidemic. His final and most popular work was ‘Symphony No 6, the Pathetique’.
I have just been cruelly reminded that people change,they grow old, and some of them nomatter how wonderful at one time, get yucky. Even though he still looks perfect on my 23 year old t-shirt, sadly here is the harsh reality.
I am in the kitchen washing dishes when the phone rings. I grab a towel to dry off my hands and then grab the phone. It is Julie. The only thing she said before hanging up was: “It is in fact happening, only without Alex and with Wolfgang.” I dashed out of the kitchen and headed to my closet. I grabbed the box on the top shelf and opened the lid. There it was, folded neatly under the Frankie says Relax shirt and next to the Wham piggy bank. Kyle noisily asked “Mom, who are those women?” Those are not woman honey, and in my dreams one of them was supposed to be your Daddy. He snarled his nose and walked away.
Ahhh, there they are, preserved perfectly on cloth since 1984. I will break John’s rules for what shirts you can wear to a concert for this. I have waited 23 years for this moment. I obviously didn’t think ahead realistically when I was 20. The shirt size is small. I guess I figured I would be like Mom. No matter, I will live off celery for the next 6 months to fit in it. Now the hard part is convincing John to take me to the concert. Hopefully it won’t be that difficult, I mean, I no longer want to sleep with any of them. They would have to drag their wieners through Lysol before I would even touch them, if that situation arose and I doubt it will, just saying.
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