Things That Get On My Nerves Day 1

I have decided that everyday this week I will post 2 or 3 things that really get on my nerves. I suspect, that this being the end of summer,has played a part in my decision to do so. If I hear one more time from Kyle that he is bored, I am going to stick his face in a blender and hit pulse.

Not really Mom but you know what I am saying.

So here is day 1 of Things that get on my nerves.

When department stores manufacture their clothing so small that I can’t fit an XXL over my shoulders. That’s me screaming in the dressing room.

Wash your (cheap suit guy at the corner of Alsbury and McAllister) car with a squeegee and two paper towels at Chevron. I thought I was white trash.

Defile the sacred and holy Oreo by eating it all at once, you (Coleton) insensitive, uncivilized cad. You must first remove one of the crunchy chocolate sides by slowly twisting the cookie in half. Then you lick the virgin white filling until it has been completely removed using your teeth only when necessary and even then very delicately so as not to scar the tender inner cookie. And then, THEN you may eat each chocolate half one at a time. Slowly. This is the only way to honor the Oreo.

A blog of John’s from February 2006

Somethings are worth repeating. When I have a not so great day, I will read John’s old blogs, they make me smile. Here is one from February 2006. Enjoy!

I Don’t Sleep, I Dream

You know, with love comes strange currencies.

Wait. That’s a different R.E.M. song. Allow me to start over.

I’m looking for an interruption,
Do you believe?
You looking to dig my dreams
Be prepared for anything
You come into my little scene
Hooray, hooray, hip hip hooray
There’s one thing I can guarantee:
You won’t have to dig, dig too deep
Said leave me to lay, but touch me deep,
I don’t sleep, I dream
I’ll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need

Things do happen for a reason. The struggle is always finding out
exactly what the reason is

or what it may be. But the real test begins before that. Can
you accept that, like a perfectly played game of Tetris, things happened or were set in motion so uniquely that not even an ill-fated yellow square can block your path?

For that matter, can I?

Can any of us?

Not every life can be like the game of, well, Life. While we may land
on a career, it wasn’t totally by chance. Every action we have ever taken leading up to that choice plays a part in the option. We didn’t get there by spinning a wheel. And kids aren’t blue and pink pegs placed in a plastic car (even if that visual of the “family” is funny). And we don’t all end up at the retirement home.

Some of us might even end up in the loony bin. But if the ride was worth it…

Are you looking to drive my dreams?
You here to run my screens?
You come, deliver my demons
Hooray, hooray, hip hip hooray
Are you coming to ease my headache?
Do you give good head?
Am I good in bed?
I don’t know, I guess so
I don’t sleep, I dream
I’ll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need

When life throws you a curveball, make lemonade, I say. And if life
gives you lemons? Make it a Leemer. With a twist. Enjoy the moments you are given. Even the bad ones, because those are the ones you learn from.

And if life gives you crabs? Nothing beats a fine-toothed comb.
Except a shave.

I really have no idea where I’m going with this, but it is fun. Fun
to ramble. And, no, I am not having a panic attack. The good thing is that I’m not ashamed to post that. Not anymore. Not after hearing from friends who completely understand and even friends or family who don’t – but are sympathetic.

It’s all good in the hood, y’all. But under the hood? It’s getting there…

Now, here is the crazy exciting part. And I’m gonna cram it all in
one paragraph, much like Michael Stipe did when he wrote ‘E-Bow The Letter’.

A full printout of this blog, every word I have ever written here,
actually made a flight to New York last week. And spent time with Air Marshalls (or somesuch), no less. (I’m still begging for that story to be told on another forum besides MySpace.)I eat the tails of shrimp. And, until recently, thought I was the only one. Also, I found out I am pretty damned good at guessing what time a flight may land. I do not deny the sexiness of Johnny Depp, but I will not take a bath with him. And a fart can be heard over the phone.

Some people call it coincidence. Others call it crazy talk. I call
it…

I’m looking for an interruption,
Can you believe?
Some medicine for my headache
Hooray, hooray, hip hip hooray
I’m pitching for a new direction
Pinch me when I wake
Don’t tell me my dreams are fake
You leave me to lay, you touch me deep,
I don’t sleep, I dream
I’ll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need
Leave me to lay, but touch me deep,
I don’t sleep, I dream
I’ll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need- R.E.M., ‘I Don’t Sleep, I Dream’

Write hard…

John’s New Blog Home

I am pleased to announce that John has a new blog home. You can find him by clicking here.

Extras

John and I are both creatures of habit and sadly when those habits become compromised in one way or another we become displaced and grumpy. Needless to say we are ready for the new season of television to begin. About 3 months ago we became addicted to the show Extras on HBO. We have seen every episode at least 3 times and are eagerly awaiting picking up where everything left off. I have always been a fan of British comedy,as has John. Are you being served, Keeping up Appearances, Benny Hill, Posh Nosh, Extras, The Office…all Gold.

My Grandfather and Great Grandfather are from Sussex. I can remember being very young and watching the BBC with them when we would visit the cabin. As a child I noticed that British comedy’s always had a naughty edge and where anything but politically correct. Maybe that is why I love them so much.

I encourage you to watch Extras. It is the best 28 minutes of television out there right now. The Office is a close second and Flight of the Concords, also on HBO is coming in third. This is going to be a fantastic season for television. I might not even miss The Sopranos.

Get Behind Thee Satan.

It was a miserable sultry day. As I strapped on my artillery I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My tired and worn face showed the apprehension of what was to come. I then looked to the couch to see those who were depending on me. I could not disappoint them. I knew what I had to do.

I said my good byes and left a letter to my children on the counter in case I did not return. John embraced me and whispered “I know you can do this.” I turned toward the door and wiped the tear from my eye. As I approached the drive way I saw my neighbor Marie in the front yard. “Marie” I said. “I want you to know that I just love you, and I think you and Ray are great.” She nodded silently, knowing my destination.

As I sat behind the steering wheel of the car I reminisced of how this town once was. I started the ignition and backed slowly out of the driveway. I was prepared and ready.

Five minutes later I arrived. The two mile walk to the entrance looked more haunting than ever. A sea of cars filled the parking lot and lined the side streets with victims. I got out of the car and started scanning the lot for a buggy. The chance of finding one inside was minimal at best. It was then that I spotted something out of the corner of my eye, it looked like a body. I ran over to a man, mid 30’s dressed in a Polo and Dockers laying in the lot. He was holding the keys for his BMW up in the air, desperately hitting the unlock button over and over. “Sir, Sir, can you hear me?” His only response was “water, must have water.” I left him. I had to. This place is not for the weak and I was not going to step in the way of natural selection.

I started to make my way to the front. Babies screaming, children yelling. One woman who passed me handed me her Rosary. “Peace be with you my child.” I clutched it to my chest as I walked through the door and heard those words.

“Welcome to Walmart.”

Canton with Lois

It has been 18 years since I have been to Canton so when Lois (John’s sister) called and asked me if I wanted to go Friday I jumped on the bandwagon. Canton for those who do not know is a town 45 minutes east of Dallas and is for all practical purposes is one big flea market. It is a Mecca of antiques, crafts, animals, midgets, circus freaks, and sausage on a stick, the confederate flag, candles, and tables upon tables of Crocs with a side order of fake designer purses.

Yeah, it is my kind of place.

I am going to wrap up the details of the trip Clint Eastwood style.

The Good
Lois and I got matching pink t-shirts that say “Sisters are Forever.” I was laughing so hard when we were buying them that I am sure the lady at the register thought I was nuts. We bought them for the sole purpose of seeing John and Jerry’s reaction. It was worth ever dime of the 3.50 they each cost.

I bought John a t-shirt that is black and says DEA in big white letters on the front and under that states the obvious “Definitely Enjoys Alcohol.”

Spending time with Lois. Our trip to Missouri was too long ago and our family weekend in Oklahoma is not until the end of October. We will have to plan another trip to Canton when it cools off so we can take Mom.

The Bad
There was a mother there who actually brought her 2 week old baby to the market. It was so hot and this baby was just miserable. I wanted to slap her head right out of her Lynard Skynard Do-Rag.

Lois’ sausage on a stick was the worst she has ever had there. My BBQ sandwich was bad too. Damn it.

The Ugly
There was a family of midgets selling chickens. The scene was so hideous that I could not turn away. I know it is impolite to stare but one of the midgets was actually laying down in a large dog crate. It took everything I had not to walk up and ask “How much for this one?”

How in the hell did a group of Rednecks end up with Kangaroo’s? I asked how much for the baby Kangaroo and he said 1250.00. Then he turned to his friend and gave the best laugh he could with his hunkin dip of Skoal and said “Or a hundred cases of Lone Star.” Moron. I should have kicked him as hard as I could in the balls to keep him from reproducing.

Hispanic people who dress their daughters in wedding attire and soccer shoes to come to a flea market. For real yawl…Good Lord.

Day 16, Vomit and Mosquito’s

16 days without a cigarette

I will admit that I tried to take a puff yesterday and it made me sick. I actually started dry heaving. So, I guess I really am done. In my book there is nothing worse than vomiting. I will go to great lengths to avoid it and when I can’t avoid it I won’t get up to go to the bathroom. The experience is so traumatic I choose to lie in bed and lean over into a bucket. Screw the getting up thing. If I am going to be subjected to vomiting I am going to do it from the comfort of my own bed. This use to really piss off my mother when I was a child. We had blue shag carpet in our house. Yeah, you get the picture.

Yesterday was a monumental day for me. I got my first mosquito bite. I am 36 years old and had never been bit. Much to the frustration and concern of my parents, who I am sure wondered about my mortality or lack there of as a child. Rest easy mom and dad, I am not the anti-Christ.

Other odd things about me:

I never got my wisdom teeth in. (Go ahead Ed, I know you want to.)
I can roll my tongue over and lay it flat, upside down. A trait inherited from my mother. (Try it, I bet you can’t do it)
I get this crazy ass hair on my chin that can grow 3 inches overnight.
I was born without tonsils.

My jokes are "tragic"

“Enough of your tragic jokes.”

This from the mouth of my 3 year old cousin who is absolutely amazing. My little Mensa. I could write an entire page on the one liners that she spattered out over the weekend. Instead I want to say how much I love these children, Christian and Grant. It is a near match for the love of my own kids, probably because I love their mother that much too. My heart was filled with complete joy as I watched those little faces eat their pancakes on Sunday morning. John will blog much better about our time with them and speak of the funny things we did. Me, I can’t get past the tears. If I had nothing in this world but the clothes on my back and my family and friends I would have everything I needed. Sometimes I need to be reminded of it; this weekend took care of that.

Leemer and the Starbucks drive-through.

I will blog about our experience babysitting Christian and Grant soon. For now, I had to share this chunk of Leemer gold. As a thank you for babysitting, my cousin Hollie gave John and I a gift certificate to Starbucks. We decided to put it to use tonight. It is never a dull moment with John, even if it is something as simple as going through a drive up window at Starbucks.

Girl: Welcome to Starbucks what can I get started for you?
Leemer: I would like a slice of Pumpkin loaf and a Venti Carmel Macchiato.
Girl: Im sorry we are all out of Pumpkin Loaf.
Leemer: Okay then make it a slice of reduced fat coffee cake.
Girl: We have 2 slices left, do you want both?
Leemer: That would defeat the purpose of the reduced fat wouldnt it?
Girl: Akward silence
Leemer: Just give me one slice.
Girl: Okay your total comes to 6.06, can I get your name?
Leemer: My name is Lucifer. Are you sure you have my total right?
Girl: Akward silence
Leemer: Hello?
Girl: Yes it is 6.06
Leemer: Oh because usually it is 6.66
Girl: Drive up please.

Slurpees, Cookies and Body Hair

My week long bout with the death sickness is winding down. I felt good yesterday, today I feel great. Good thing, I have a full agenda in the days ahead. Saturday night John and I are babysitting my little cousins Christian, age 3 and Grant, 7 months. God I love those kids. I can’t wait to let them do things other adults in our family wont let them do like eat cake for supper and teach them the “Beans are good for your heart song.” Of course I have some stiff competition for the ranking of favorite. Christian is very partial to John and then there is that Aunt Lori person. That’s okay, I am sure I can come out ahead if I take her to the Dollar Store.

Day 10 without the cigs. John just left to go buy me a Slurpee and a White Chocolate cookie so I will be fine soon. I love my husband; he really gets me and thank God. I haven’t shaved in a week and as many of you know my bloodline has some Yeti in it so it’s not a pretty picture. I will have two options at the end of the day. I can shave or I can join the Indigo Girls.

John’s response to that:

I love The Indigo Girls honey, Closer to Fine, come on that is effin greatness.

“With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee. He never did marry or see a B-grade movie. He graded my performance; he said he could see through me. I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind. Got my paper, now I’m free.”

When he was done reciting the lyrics he shook his head like he was trying to get a dirty thought out of it. I guess I can shave tomorrow.